“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
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[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Hey I worked for it too!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”