Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Alexa: *deep breath*
