Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
We like the way Dwight thinks
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…