Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.