Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of