Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

classic mixup

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

The pen is writier than the sword.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right