Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
“What?”
– Jude
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.