Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?