Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

What if the weather talks about us?

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi