Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”