Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
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THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys