Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
It do be feeling this way.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well