Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.