Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?