Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31