Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this