Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.