Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

learning about math 🧐 📝

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”