Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Follow me for more recipes
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
neighborhood watch
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Bread puns are on the rise!
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
never compromise your values
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.