Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.