Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.