Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You Might Also Like
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Sure. Why not?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.