Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I feel seen.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote