Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
the three branches of government
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.