unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.