unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
HELP 😭
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.