Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price