Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
He has no idea 🤡
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.