Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.