Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.


Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .


Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.


people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I’m like a phoenix rising from molasses


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.


Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship


Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy


I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.


As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors