@Carmensadie

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@PetrickSara

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

@AndyAsAdjective

people said my days of misquoting famous idioms were over but I’m like a phoenix rising from molasses

@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.

@envydatropic

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

@Bob_Janke

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

@Jack9eight5

As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors