Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Mummies are just super modest zombies
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*