Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

it must be school picture day