Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Put the is in disheveled
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.