Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.