Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Um … Hot Wings please

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520