@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

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@mommy_cusses

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

@AbbyHasIssues

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@FloodyHippie

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@pbear79

Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?

Me: You mean…other than wifi?

@WheelTod

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.