Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?
Me: You mean…other than wifi?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.