unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
i can’t wait that long
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.