unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

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Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!


[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK


You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.


We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.


Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this


Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?

Me: You mean…other than wifi?


Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.