unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
☠️☠️☠️
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Sponch
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.