unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
my dog when i have a friend over
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here