Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Chemical wingman
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller