Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Is this anything
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.