Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When you kidnap a writer.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date