Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.