Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
sin harder.
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality![]()
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[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”