Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings