Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

I have obtained a hat

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.