Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Merica.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?