Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Every time my phone rings
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?