Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff