Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.