Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

Bruh

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.