Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Social distancing in Australia:
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.