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Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*