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I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
#Caturday
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.