unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
So inspired right now.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*