unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold