unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
You Might Also Like
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”