Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
You Might Also Like
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.