Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”