Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

shazam but for random noises outside

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”