Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

this has to be peak English

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa