Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Shark week, but for squirrels.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

barbara was highly relatable

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life