Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it