*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
The news is so predictable nowadays
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
What do you text your spouse?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions