*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
You Might Also Like
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
“you recording!?”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
This will never not be funny to me.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”