*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?