*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline