Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*