Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.