Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

repaired

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

I ate everything, including the H.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

This has made my week.