Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.