Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

my retirement plan is braless

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick