Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

me watching my own Instagram story

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Finally! 😈

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

This story is comedy gold 😂

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?