Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

それは草

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/982978210093678592/pu/vid/720x1280/HtpisVk4xbuYyj-A.mp4?tag=2

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY