Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣