Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.