Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.